Blog Update: The End of a Beginning

I’m freaking out. I’m freaking out because this is my last week at Amani and I can’t believe how fast time has gone. This past month hasn’t been easy. I think I’ve been suppressing my feelings about leaving just a bit and the kids have been expressing their feelings with ferocity. Fierce anger or fierce love; hate notes and love notes. Either way I’ve been getting a lot of mail.

For Halloween I dressed up like a Masai woman. I was a little worried about being culturally inappropriate but then someone came to the ex-pat bar (The Watering Hole) as a Mormon man selling bibles.

This past weekend was interesting to say the least. I woke up at 6:30 on Saturday morning to a little voice saying “Whitty! Whitty!” I’m the only one in the house who can see the gate from my bedroom window, and looked outside to see three little boys waiting outside the gate. Since I know a significant amount of kids now living on the street my head was spinning in circles thinking of who could be outside my gate. As I opened all three of our locks to go outside the kids started to get skiddish and walk away. It turned out there was only one kid I know, Zawadi (14), with two of his friends. One of the kids (Rama) looked around 8 or 9, and the other (Amani) closer to 12 or 13. I was shocked and sort of heartbroken to see Zawadi since I had yelled at him the day before for not listening to me and repeatedly entering the playroom. It’s hard to admit, but I think I’m so scared of imaginely the next chapter of my life without these kids that I’ve been really irritable. It’s always easier to leave a place if you’re pissed off- I guess it makes it easier to start over. At the end of the day I have to remind myself that I’m working with kids who’ve been through incredibly difficult circumstances and that when they act out, it’s not personal. Zawadi refused to talk to me at first, so he told Anna (my best friend here and co-worker) that he was scared of being punished at Amani for his behavior. (I’m terrified to leave Anna as well- she protects my heart here and I truly love her friendship). The two other kids were covered in petrol and it was very obvious they live and sleep outside in parking lots and markets. The littlest one had a water bottle full of petrol that he told us he uses to keep the mosquitoes away, but I still wonder if he inhales it since it’s a popular drug abused by kids here living on the streets. We live within walking distance of the YMCA, where we took the kids to get early morning Chai, mandazi (donuts) and hard-boiled eggs. I’m sure that if the staff knew we took the kids there we would probably get in trouble but I don’t regret it. We have some kids books in our house which we brought with us and the littlest kid Rama kept staring at me in a way that said “Should I trust this person?” The YMCA isn’t the nicest place in Moshi but it was clear that it was one of the nicest places all three kids had ever been to- they sort of just stared around in wonder. Zawadi kept washing is hands at the sink and reading the paper like an old man with his tea. When I asked him if he wanted more mandazi he said “More everything!” I love Zawadi and I apologized to him for yelling at him on Friday and explained to him that it’s frustrating for me when kids refuse to listen. It’s not that I approve of Zawadi running away, but I think it must be nice for the kids to just get the hell out of Amani sometimes. It’s a good place for them but I’m sure it feels constricting compared to the freedoms they’ve had. Once the kids told Anna and I they wanted to go to Amani we took a taxi at eight in the morning to Magereza. The kids were more than surprised to see us on a Saturday morning and all very happy to see Zawadi was back. Anna and I stuck around until lunch playing games and organizing art for the kids (Anna opened the health room for the sick kiddos). One of the new kids we brought with us had such filthy shorts infested with bugs that they had to be burned.

I think it’s important that I’m leaving Amani and Tanzania although it’s been difficult to come to terms with and not feel completely depressed to be leaving kids that feel like my extended family, some of whom are my best friends and others, my heart. Another volunteer put in well that I can’t give anymore of myself to the kids until I have the chance to reenergize again and invest sometime in taking care of me. I guess to some people that might sound selfish, but I know in my heart that it’s true. I’m hoping to call Amani every few weeks and talk to the kids and write letters when I can. I don’t want to consider this goodbye.

Friday is my last official day at Amani, although I plan to come in on the weekend and relax with the kids. I officially leave the country December 3rd and plan to travel to Mombasa and Pangani and come back for both Thanksgiving and Amani Christmas weekend (the last weekend of November). It’s been difficult to get notes from the kids that say “Don’t go,” or “Please stay a little longer.” Sometimes all I feel like doing is crying, but somehow I just can’t make that happen. I’m sure that I should have kept my boundaries a bit better with the kids- not coming in on the weekends as much and getting as close, but I can’t say I regret that either. So I guess, no regrets. I’m sticking to my choices and standing up for my actions and I’m not going to give myself a guilt trip about leaving. That would be the wrong feeling to come away with, and really, I can only feel thankful to the kids for allowing me to be a part of their lives. That is not an easy decision after the kind of trauma and betrayal they have experienced, and I will be forever grateful for their openness. I hope they all know that they have changed my life for the better and helped me realize who I want to be and what is truly important. I don’t expect the future to be perfect but I do know that I am a better person from my experience here. As for the kids, I can only hope for their safety and good health, and if there is any justice in this world, I hope for them to be able to dream and feel comfortable in their own freedom to imagine a better life, a holistic and tangible happiness that every child deserves.